Yesterday I had a bit of a reality check here in small town America inside my little house of quarantine. I had gotten up and knelt by the side of the couch to pray when the words that came from my lips brought me back to a time when I needed help. I had bowed my head and prayed from my heart, "God I don't know what to do, please do for me. I don't know what to think, please think for me. I don't know what to say, please say for me. I don't know what to feel, please feel for me. Lord please help me. I am lost..." In that moment I began to weep beseeching the Lord to guide me through this time of confusion and to steer my steps throughout the day.
It had been over twenty years since I had prayed those words pressing my face into the sofa cushions so my mother would not hear me crying. She had terminal cancer and I was trying to stay strong for her. I began each and every day with those words because I was weary of being the one. The one who had to be strong and take care of the family through such difficult times. I loved my mother and I made it through each and every day with God's help. No one knew how overwhelmed I was then and I realized that no one knows how I was finding my way through this time of quarantine. I knew I was brought to my knees because I needed to reach out for help again if I hoped to get through the days ahead.
I make it a point to plan something positive to do each and every day. It does not help to focus on the fact that we cannot go to town and pick up our old way of life. I try to accept all the things that I cannot change and I pray daily for the weather to warm up so I can get out and work on my yards. It is time for me to start landscaping and making the beautiful courtyard that I have wanted so badly. Each and every summer I would wish to be home so I could get the yards back to where they were before I went to work as a traveler. The years passed and I was no further ahead...lol.
On Monday, a friend is coming by to begin building a deck for me as the courtyard takes shape. I am excited to see the project begin to say the least. I have to hang on to the dream that is becoming a reality for me at last. It gives me hope in a time when there is so much hopelessness around me.
I know that my emotional moments in prayer are just a bit of true clarity; it is obvious to me that I need to give it all to God once again. You see it keeps raining here and the weather is cold; it is too cold to be working in my garden. I have been praying for warm weather ever since I broke down in tears. It is so much easier to pray for that than to lose myself in the corona virus situation; there were 10 more cases reported today here in Wyoming County. We now have 56 cases with 3 deaths. The ever-present news reports just bring more fear and confusion. So what can I do to keep from losing my mind? I am living one day at a time; it is purely a survival move during a difficult time.
Sign me, Living simply in small town America...praying for warmer weather.
No comments:
Post a Comment